Being the Man I Need in My Own Life

I’ve been looking for a role model. A mentor. A guide. Someone who could hand me the blueprint on how to be the man I want to be. But lately, it feels like no one’s showing up. No older brother to lean on. No wise sage with the answers. No father figure with the steady hand.

And that’s when it hit me: maybe the man I’ve been searching for is the one I need to become.

The Void We Don’t Like to Admit

For most men, there’s a quiet ache we carry. We look around and don’t always see the kind of masculinity that inspires us. Sure, we see success, power, or bravado—but not always integrity, presence, or grounded strength. Psychologists call this a “modeling gap”: when the examples we need aren’t there, we either drift… or we build it ourselves.

Research from Stanford on self-determination theory suggests that autonomy and competence are two of the strongest drivers of human motivation. In plain English: we thrive when we take ownership and when we feel capable. That means waiting for someone to rescue us—or to show us how to live—keeps us trapped in weakness.

The Mirror Test

I’ve had to ask myself: If I met me, would I trust me? Would I follow me?

That’s a gut-check question. And sometimes the honest answer has been no. Not yet. Not when I was avoiding responsibility. Not when I let anger lead. Not when I sought validation more than growth.

So now, the mission isn’t about finding a man to copy—it’s about creating a man I can respect. The man I’d want as a father, a mentor, or a brother.

Building Instead of Waiting

Being the man I need means:

• Consistency: Showing up daily, not just when it’s convenient.

• Discipline: Doing the work I don’t want to do, especially when no one’s watching.

• Compassion: Learning to extend grace, even to myself, because growth is messy.

• Strength with direction: Not just lifting heavy or pushing hard, but knowing what all that effort is for.

As philosopher Marcus Aurelius said, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”

Why It Matters

Because if I keep waiting, I’ll always be waiting. But if I become the man I’ve been searching for, not only do I fill that void—I also become someone my kids, my brothers, and my friends can lean on.

Sometimes life doesn’t give us the guide we want. So we pick up the hammer, the chisel, and we carve him out of ourselves.